If parents remain together simply because they love their children, it can have an immense impact on the lives and outlooks of everyone. While the goal is to provide security and protect children from the trauma of divorce, the consequences for the children themselves are not always easy. Adults who grew up in such households usually recall their parents’ experiences with appreciation, bitterness and a deeper sense of family. 

The Perceived Benefits  

Parents who remain together for their children will likely value a stable household, communal routines, and normalcy. Such things do bring certain benefits: 

Financial Stability  

Having two parents could lead to greater financial stability, better education, extracurricular activities, and a happier life. 

Avoidance of Immediate Disruption  

When we get divorced or we split up, things shift in the ensuing years, whether you move homes or divide time between your parents. Staying together can protect children from the disruptions that come with such shifts. 

Shared Parenting Roles  

Even in marriages that have been rocky, parents can co-parent, so both bring strengths to the parenting equation. 

For some children, these advantages translate into gratitude as adults. They might esteem the efforts their parents made to maintain the family, and acknowledge that it afforded them opportunities they otherwise might not have had. 

The Hidden Costs  

But adults who grew up in families where the parents remained together “for the kids” describe psychological issues that resulted from the arrangement: 

Exposure to Conflict  

In a dysfunctional marriage, children suffer the consequences of unrelenting conflict, conflict or isolation. Children even without open conflict may feel that the parents don’t love or hate each other, which is distressing. 

Distorted Views on Relationships  

The children of these families might be educated in misguided notions of love, commitment and marriage. They could take up the idea that relationships are meant to be endured not nurtured, or that conflicts should be dealt with. 

Emotional Burden  

Children might even take responsibility for their parents’ unhappy condition, especially if they feel like their parents did not break up with them. As adults, this can cause guilt, anxiety or an obligation to prioritize the interests of others. 

Delayed Resolutions  

Some grownups complain that their parents delayed the inevitable. When their parents finally break up when they leave home, it may seem as though the years of conflict could have been avoided. 

Reflections in Adulthood  

As adults, people who grew up in such conditions tend to revisit their childhoods with regret: 

Empathy for Their Parents  

Most have a greater appreciation of the pressures that their parents endured and the sacrifices they made even when they disagree with the decision. 

Commitment to Breaking the Cycle  

Others have decided to change the way they treat their own partners, focusing on communication and respect. 

Lingering Emotional Challenges  

Insecurity, avoiding confrontation or mistrust of others may persist, and will require a period of reflection or therapy. 

Finding Balance: A Difficult Decision  

Whether staying “for the kids” makes sense is an individual case-by-case issue. If parents can live together peacefully and keep children out of violence, it might be feasible. But if it’s a toxic, or even abusive relationship, children tend to do better when parents get out and have good relationships elsewhere. 

The collective memory of the kids’ being together, after all, teaches us that children need to have their interests at heart, not only now but for their own future. For many, coming to terms with their parents’ decisions is a matter of self-reflection, empathy and resilience.