Nurturing is in our nature. We want to care for people we love. When those closest to us are safe and happy, our own world achieves an equilibrium. Just like a flower that blooms better in a healthy garden, we thrive on connection. 

The line between caring for someone and losing yourself in them is thinner than we think, though. We mean well, but in our attempt to do good, we can harm ourselves and others. When we don’t distinguish ourselves from others and associate their needs with our own, we don’t allow others to grow and lose the precious resources we have. 

Is it possible to balance caring and losing yourself? Spoiler — it’s possible! Keep reading for more. 

Are You Losing Yourself? The Key Signs

Why do we care if it doesn’t seemingly benefit us? What’s the catch? In a way, caring appeals to us because others’ happiness is a reward. Most of us are empathetic, and seeing others suffer hurts us. One of the things that we regularly highlight in Liven’s blog is that helping others means safety and helps us remember that we are needed and have the power to support and maintain stable relationships. And, as simple as that, it just makes us feel good. 

But this empathy can quietly morph into self-erasure when we internalize that our worth depends on how much we give. The process, while noble and pleasant at first, starts to look like trying to pour water into a bottle with holes in it. There will always be people to help and causes to contribute to, and if we stop only when we aren’t needed, we are doomed to constant exhaustion. 

Are you already in danger of losing yourself? Here are some of the symptoms that you might have overlooked: 

  • You have little to no physical and mental energy
  • You catch illnesses more regularly
  • Your needs always come last (to you, most of all)
  • You don’t recognize yourself anymore
  • You struggle with saying “no” 
  • You feel guilty for trying to rest or taking time alone.

These are just some of the potential hints that it’s time to reconsider whether your desire to make others’ lives better takes away from your own. Pinpointing these signs is the first practical step toward addressing the deeper issue. 

Self-Protecting Toolbox: Connected But Independent

Protecting your boundaries and keeping yourself in check is a constant process. Consider it as something akin to house maintenance; it must be done regularly. Make minor adjustments to prevent more serious repairs. 

Set Emotional Boundaries — Especially For Yourself

While others often cross our boundaries, we sometimes forget to set any limits in the first place. Some of us are so afraid of hurting others that we always offer our support, even when others don’t ask for it. So, set emotional boundaries, which are invisible barriers separating our feelings and needs from those of others. Practice noticing when you’re overwhelmed and ask yourself: “Is this mine to carry?” If not, it’s okay to let it go or offer support at the capacity you can today.

Check In With Yourself Regularly

Let’s continue our house metaphor: self-reflections and evaluations of our actions are like using a camera and assessing for potential threats. By reflecting on how you feel and if you aren’t taking up more than you can, you focus on preventing rather than reacting when some damage is already done. Even more importantly, this self-check will become second nature to you after some time, and you will be more aware of your choices daily.

Combine Gentle Approach With Assertiveness

There’s no need to stop being kind to others and protect your own needs simultaneously, but this balance is something you might need to train a little bit. Our words and a small hug can do wonders for those we love, so keep that around. However, you also need to practice assertiveness to express yourself and set specific expectations for yourself and others. Being assertive is saying exactly what you need without disrespecting someone. Look for ways that allow you to practice this balance comfortably.

Invest in Balanced Relationships

We’ve all had those people who take more than they give. Often, we keep them around despite them hurting us with this imbalance. Look through the list of people who drain you and ask yourself: Do these individuals even bring you joy? Do you feel used? If you’re always the fixer, the helper, or the emotional sponge, it may be time to reassess those dynamics.

When the Line Is Already Crossed

What can you do if you have already become too embedded in your relationships with someone? Let’s take a quick look.

  • Reconnect with your core values. Feeling as if you’ve lost yourself? Start by focusing on what used to matter to you before. Right now, after you’ve changed, do you still support the same principles, and is your life philosophy the same? 
  • Take a step back. Jumping right into fixing things when you’ve just learned what is functioning wrong for you can be tough. Distance yourself from things unless completely necessary. Perhaps you need a day or a week to restore your energy — give yourself this time. You’ll act once you’re rested.
  • Ask for support. You’ve given enough, and you deserve support and care. Reach out to those as passionate about helping you as you are. Don’t go through this overwhelm alone. Remember: others might have a perspective you’ve accidentally overlooked, and they can show you where to move first. 

Untangling Yourself

In our attempt to take care of others, we can forget the person behind all of this problem-solving — you. Carving out some time for yourself and letting others support you isn’t a privilege; it’s a need. As your mental roots grow stronger and you feel more grounded again, you become once again the person who can find the solutions and remember about yourself in the process.