A common problem we all seem to fight, is keeping the flames of intimacy burning in our marriages. Life gets busy, we get tired, and naturally kids can seem to take over our marriages. We might find ourselves wishing that things would go back to “how they used to be.”
So…what can we do to rekindle the flame of intimacy and take back our marriages?
First, it’s important for husbands and wives to understand that to women, subconsciously, everything is related to how we feel about being intimate. Laundry isn’t done, intimate. Kids misbehaved today, intimate. Dinner’s not ready, intimate. Husband helps with the dishes, in.tim.ate.
Sometimes men don’t understand this. We need to tell them, and explain how difficult it can be to “relax” when there are so many things that are on our minds that need to be done. For women, a bad day means they are not interested in being intimate, but men usually don’t see things the same way. Women need to be shown love and attention. When our husbands help to shoulder our responsibilities, it is much more likely to get us in the “mood”.
Recognizing that everything in our day affects how we feel about the bedroom, we can focus on making changes in our daily lives that will help us more easily find the right temperature in the bedroom that we are looking for. Remember, struggles in the bedroom are not necessarily bedroom problems, but all the other problems in life seem to affect the bedroom.
- Establish a bed time for your children, and stick with it. Not only will it be better for your children, but it will give you and your husband time to be together everyday. This alone time is very important when you are trying to establish “temperatures”.
- When you have time together at night because the kids have a bed time you stick with, spend that time talking. Turn off the television, turn off the computer and any other technological distractions and Talk. Remember when you were courting, when things were “how they used to be”. Remember when you fell in love? You probably talked a lot together. Try it again, only listen and learn as if it’s the first time, and don’t interrupt. You have to make time to do this on a daily basis. 15 minutes of talking daily is one of the surest ways to keep the two of you from “drifting apart”. 15 minutes doesn’t sound like much, but most couples, don’t talk to one another for 15 minutes a day. Pay attention to one another the way you used to.
- Along these same lines, if you have a television in your bedroom, take it out. Let your bedroom be open to connection through words and touch.
- Cut back, don’t over schedule your life. Trying to do too much makes us tired. When we are really tired we dont’ have the energy to “be together”. Are there some things that you could cut out so you have more energy to be together? Activities are good, for you and your kids, but too many will mean your family is not getting stronger, instead you get weaker because there is no energy to spend with one another.
- Go on dates. at least every other week. Baby sitters are much less expensive than therapists. It is okay to leave the kids and go do something together. This sends a message to your children that your marriage is important. Hold hands, walk slow and enjoy being together.Treat each other with kindness and respect and you will feel the temperature rise as you spend time just the two of you. This can include a night away with one another. You can’t expect to retain feelings of love when you neglect your companionship.
- Find things you like to do together and do them. Don’t give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage. Be intentional and do things together.
- Say hello and goodbye to one another. When your husband leaves for work, don’t just holler “bye” from the kitchen. Go to him, give him a kiss, an I Love You, and say goodbye. Connect the same way when he comes home. When you were dating I bet you wrapped your arms around him and wouldn’t let go. Do that again.
- Go to bed at the same time. Establish a nightly routine that allows you and your husband to climb into bed at the same time. Laugh and chat while you brush your teeth. This routine should happen every night if possible.
- This one is direct. For the next three months, you and your husband each committ to being intimate twice a week. You are responsible for initiating once, and your husband the other. When it’s your turn, set the mood, the place and the time, the agenda. When it’s your husbands turn, be a willing participant. You will quickly see that those two days of the week you may treat each other better than you did when you were first married. Set aside time and make it a priority.
You should start to find that as you and your husband put more effort into finding time to be together, you feel better about yourself also. Use your alone time to compliment one another, express gratitude for all your spouse does. Thank him for all the ways he supports your family. Tell your husband how you feel when he acknowledges all the hard work you do for him and for your children.