Five Things I Never Thought I Would Say

When I was growing up and thinking about what it would be like to be married and have children, I always pictured perfectly groomed, perfectly behaved, perfect children.  I would never “be like my mother” and say seemingly utterly ridiculous things.  I even had that sense when I was first married and we were childless.  The reality check hit as soon as our first child was born.  Things got even more ridiculous, and therefore comical, as she grew and we added more children to the family. Three children later, I find myself often saying insane things to my children.  Outloud.  In front of strangers.  So, for your laughing pleasure, I wanted to share five things I never thought I would say.

  1. “Please stop licking your brother.”

My youngest enjoys applesauce…all over himself.  My middle boy loves applesauce, too.  So he did not want to waste the applesauce that was all over his brother and was “helping” me (and himself) by licking it off.  Needless to say, both boys ended up in the bathtub.

  1. “Please take off all your clothes before coming inside.”

My boys love to get dirty.  This summer, they found a particularly great place to get muddy.  Really muddy.  I would not have recognized them had they not had their Daddy’s eyes peeking out from the mud that covered them from head to toe.  And, since I had just taken advantage of their absence to scrub the kitchen floor, I found it necessary to lay down this ultimatum.

  1. “You have to eat some protein before you can have more broccoli.”

My children are not good eaters.  I often wonder how they have the energy to do the things they do when they eat so poorly.  However, when it comes to food, the things they will eat…the things they choose…are good for them.  My oldest craves watermelon and can eat a fairly good-sized one by herself.  My middle boy loves broccoli and will choose it over ice cream.  My youngest loves rice and applesauce and will eat it morning, noon, night and all times in between.  If you asked any of my children to list their top ten favorite foods, you might be surprised to find they were almost all fruits or veggies.  Rice is the exception. It makes taking them down the produce aisle in the grocery store an Olympic (and pocketbook-stretching) event. However, none of my children love anything remotely associated with the protein family.  So, while their favorites are good for them, I find myself making them wait to have another serving of fruits and veggies until after they have consumed some form of protein.

  1. “You can not take the cat in the bathtub with you.”

We have a weird cat.  She loves to sit on the side of the bathtub while we are in the shower or bath.  She does not mind getting splashed by the kids or dealing with the spray from the shower.  My children, however, take that as a sign that she wants to be fully involved in their bathtime play.  The cat thinks that is taking her fascination a little too far.

  1. “Stop being a bulldozer.  It is rude.”

My middle boy is always in a hurry.  He wants to be first.  He does not want to wait, even if there are people in line ahead of us.  So, being the small person he is, he has learned that he can walk between the legs of the people in line ahead of us and get to the front of the line…with or without me.  He has no problem weaving his way between legs and carts and bags to reach the front of the line and then call back to me, “Mom, hurry up.  I am waiting for you.”  So, one day, I found myself telling him that he was being a bulldozer and dozing his way to the front of the line.  Amazingly, the bulldozer concept struck a familiar chord with him.  Today, he still bulldozes, but at least he remembers to say, “Excuse me.”  Sigh.

Is it just me?  Have you ever said things that, upon re-evaluation, you realize are incredibly ridiculous, especially if taken out of context?  I would love to hear your stories.  Please share!


  1. 1
    Jamie Brigham says:

    Hahahaha I am so with you on these, I never thought I would say any of these either, I love that the cat sits there on the side of the tub, hopefully she doesn’t get pulled in lol. I have never said eat your protein before you can have more broccoli though. I have said eat more vegetables before you can get up and convinced them to take a few more bites

  2. 2

    Hahahaha, these are SO funny! I never thought I’d have to say “Don’t put (insert random toy here) in your oven!”. She always tends to try and stuff big toys in there. Lol

  3. 3

    This is too funny!! Once you have kids, anything…and I mean ANYTHING can come out of your mouth! You never know what’s next!

  4. 4

    Those are so funny and the best part of all is I actually said #1 to my son the other day.. Oh living with children :)

  5. 5

    LOL These are hilarious! Great examples on what’s to come for me. :p Thanks for sharing <3

  6. 6
    Sari Berry says:

    Haha, these are so funny and so true! :)

  7. 7

    Well, what I say to my teenager sometimes is:

    “Will you please put that book down now and come watch some tv with me?!”

    He loves his book and will read all day and all day in his room. I find myself asking for some time together just hanging out in front of the tv.

    Who’d have thunk it?

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